Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

There are millions of young children in this country who are being horribly mistreated by their parents.

These parents aren’t physically abusing their young children, and they may not even know that they’re mistreating them.

The mistreatment?

Millions of kids under the age of two are watching TV in this country. In fact, according to a study by the Kaiser Family Foundation of over 1,000 parents, about 65% of kids under age two are watching TV, and they’re averaging over two hours of watching a day.

They’re watching even though the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no TV for kids under age two. They’re watching even though this is a crucial period for their cognitive development, at an age when their brains are still being formed.

And the news for these kids just got worse.

Scientists at Children’s Hospital & Regional Medical Center in Seattle who studied over 2,500 children found a link between early TV watching
and attention problems at a later age.

Specifically, the chances of one and three-year-old kids developing attention problems at age seven increased by 10% for every hour of TV watched each
day.

The information from these two studies creates a chilling picture of what’s happening to millions of toddlers in this country. It’s unfair, immoral, and unjust, and it needs to be addressed.

But you won’t see an outcry from the mass media giants in this country. You see, we live in the country where “Why TV is Good for Kids” appeared as the cover story in Newsweek Magazine in 2002. The same Newsweek Magazine that’s owned by the Washington Post Company, which owns a sprawling
cable company and six broadcast stations around the country.

No, you won’t hear too much about these important studies from the Time-Warners of the world. Bad for business, you see.

But if you’re the parent of a young child, you need to know this information.

There are about nine million children who take prescription medication for ADHD in this country. The number of kids who take ADHD medication has
been doubling every two years. And while TV certainly isn’t the culprit in all of these cases, the link between the number of attention problems and the amount of TV watched is undeniable.

The days of the “harmless” argument for TV and kids needs to be put to rest. Parents need to be educated about the very real possibility of causing future attention problems with their kids.

And young kids across this country need to be given a fighting chance.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

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Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

The expectations for fathers are increasing both at work and at home. Here are ten ways for fathers to be more effective in the most important job they’ll ever have:

1. See your kids as capable

The achilles heel of many fathers is to see their kids as “not good enough.” Your kids will feel this, and they’ll live up to these expectations. The more you approve of them, the greater they’ll be!

2. Make time for your kids

There will always be more work, but you won’t always have the chance to be with your kids. Are there ways to include them in chores around the house? Your kids will know if they matter to you by the effort you make to include them in your day.

3. Use positive forms of discipline

Punishment is not very effective. It tends to create more of the very behavior that fathers are seeking to eliminate. Use natural and logical consequences instead-if you don’t pick up your toys, they get put in a bag and taken away for awhile. Give them choices. Positive discipline methods help kids learn responsibility, punishment helps them learn to dislike you.

4. Have a great relationship with your wife

You are the main role model for your kids, and this is the main source of information for them about how to have a close relationship. They’re watching very closely to learn how to do it.

5. Be aware of your kids lives

How much do you really know about your kids? Are you aware of their hopes and dreams? Do you know what inspires them? Do you know their friends names? What they like and dislike about you? If there are things you don’t know about your kids, you can always ask!

6. Be nurturing with your kids

Hug and kiss your kids, and let them hear plenty of “I love you’s.” And also don’t forget to wrestle with them. Both boys and girls benefit from wrestling with their dads. Kids need to see your “soft” side, so show it to them frequently.

7. “Really” listen to your kids

Put down the newspaper and look your kids in the eye when they talk to you. Be aware of your own tendency to “filter” what your kids say. Reflect back what you heard from them. If you want them to listen to you, you’ve got to show them the way.

8. Examine your relationship with your own father

A poor relationship with your own father will affect your ability to be an effective father. Are there things you want to say to your father? Ultimately, forgiving your father will go a long way towards allowing you to father to the best of your ability.

9. Take care of yourself

It’s difficult to be kind and nurturing to your family if you’re not kind to yourself. Find ways to take the time to relax, exercise, and keep your stress levels lower. And use friends and family to support you-don’t become an “island” in your family. Your family will appreciate it.

10. Have a plan for your anger

Men can have a difficult time with the overwhelming emotional intensity that families can experience. The result is often anger, which breeds anger in your kids and creates a vicious cycle. Make a plan with a specific relaxation technique that helps to defuse your anger. Remember that one bad episode can impact your kids for a long time.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com

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Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

When you conduct parent workshops, you start to see the same issues coming up over and over for parents. The names and faces are different, but the issues are the same. And the truth is that parents are often responsible for many of these problems.

Here are three issues that keep coming up for parents, and an explanation of how parents can often solve their own problems.

Problem #1: My kids don’t listen to me

To expect that kids will listen to you perfectly all the time is an irrational thought. Kids are in a very different place than adults are in terms of their ability to listen and attend to things. Kids will often need you to repeat things a number of times in a patient, pleasant tone. And yes, your job is to be very patient with them.

It is often the “parental” tone of parents’ voices that is part of the problem with kids not listening. After all, who wants to be lectured about what to do all day? If things still don’t work, take action-kids will respond to action much better than they will to words.

Problem #2: My kids aren’t respectful-they talk back and argue too much

One of the problems with not having obedient kids anymore is that kids feel more freedom to speak their mind. This can be irritating, but it’s far better than obedient kids that just do what they’re told.

If your child talks to you in a disrespectful way, you have choices. One choice is to be angry with them and to actually create more of the very behavior that you dislike. Getting angry when your child talks back to you is a great example of creating your own problems.

A better choice is to ask them what’s bothering them in a compassionate way. Kids will often take out their feelings on someone who they feel safe with-you! And remember that you can tell them in a calm and firm manner that it’s not OK to talk to you that way.

Arguing is a choice for parents. It still takes two to tango. Most parents who complain about their kids arguing are pretty good at it themselves. You may disagree often with your kids, but arguments can usually be avoided if parents can stay disciplined.

Problem #3: My kids aren’t achieving as well as they should

Whether its’ tying their shoes, getting better grades, or success at sports, parents will always be worried about how well their kids are doing compared to other kids. While there certainly are situations that require extra help and support, most of the extreme concern about your child’s development is a problem in itself. When parents worry about their child’s capability, it sends a powerful message to this child. Remember that Einstein and Edison were poor students!

The responsibility of parents is to believe in their child’s ability to succeed and to set high expectations for them. The rest is to be patient and to be aware of your own insecurities. It is these insecurities that may be part of the reason your child isn’t doing well.

While it’s easy to point fingers at your kids, remember the old saying: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Parents who attend to their own issues first will find far fewer “rotten apples” in their tree.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers
and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE
bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

Popularity: 8% [?]

Mark brandenburg MA, CPCC

I really hadn’t meant to yell. But the aftermath
of it lay before me. My son was a wimpering mess
on the floor and my daughter sat statue-like on
the chair in front of me.

As I sat there considering my next move, it
occurred to me that I needed to do something
quickly.
The deafening sound of silence reminded all of us
that an ugly moment had just occurred. And a voice
inside me continued to insist that my kids were at
fault.

“OK, you two, I’m sorry I yelled like that, what a
dumb thing to do!” As I moved toward my son, it
became evident that he wanted no part of me. “Get
away from me!” he shouted.

I thought better of telling him not to yell at me,
so I did the only thing I could think of doing.
“Crabby Daddy is back,” I proclaimed as I
transformed my hands into pincers and crawled in
crab-like fashion towards them. “I love to yell at
children, then eat them!”

My son continued to yell at me to go away, but now
he was laughing and crying simultaneously. My
mission to undo the damage my yelling had caused
was underway. I’d been able to recover quickly
this time, but I knew that this moment would be
remembered for awhile.

Most importantly, I wanted to remember what had
really happened. What happened was that I wasn’t
disciplined. I failed to control my emotions in a
way that my children could emulate.

Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely. Is there
a part of me that wants to blame them and let them
know how badly they were acting? No question. But
this is the part of me that serves my ego. It
shows my children how to avoid responsibility and
blame others. It’s not my “best self.”

And it’s our best self which we must always search
for when we’re with our children.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents, and they
won’t get them. But they do need parents who
strive to get better. I’m reminded of the words of
Emerson, who said, “When a man lives with God, his
voice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brook
and the rustle of the corn.”

If in our lifetime we could speak to our kids with
a voice this sweet, it would be enough.

But until we reach this level, what should we do
after we yell at our kids?

Here are five ideas:

1. Recover quickly - Recovering emotionally (or
faking your recovery) will make it much easier on
your children and show them how to be resilient
themselves.

2. Apologize, but don’t overdo it - It’s important
to say you’re sorry, but don’t dwell on it and
don’t show signs of pity. This will help create a
victim of your child faster than the drop of a
hat.

3. Avoid finding ways to blame them - It’s
incredibly easy to blame your kids when you’re
angry. It’s OK to say, “When I saw you hit your
brother I felt angry,” but avoid saying, “You made
me angry.” You’re responsible for your own
anger-teach this to your children.

4. Process the incident with them - Children can
be traumatized by yelling, and it helps to talk
about what happened for each of them. Ask them
questions about it and allow them a chance to talk
about it if they’d like.

5. Don’t beat yourself up about it - You don’t
have to envision your kids twenty years from now
telling their therapist how you screwed up their
life! Kids are pretty resilient and they’ll
recover, especially if you follow these steps and
keep working on yourself.

While we’re not perfect, we can still search for
the voice as “sweet as the murmur of the brook and
the rustle of the corn.”

It might even keep your kids out of the
therapists’ chair.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers
and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE
bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

Popularity: 9% [?]