With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a
fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly
blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to
the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?

We’ve moved through the old paradigm of getting your needs met
in relationships and it has proven itself to be a miserable
failure.

Why?

Attempting to get your needs met in your relationship causes
some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes you to
focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires of your
partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because it has
you believing that you deserve something that may well not be
delivered.

All across this great country of ours, battles are raging
between men and women: she needs to talk and connect,
and he needs his space and independence.

Who wins here?

The answer, of course, is that both lose because of a flawed
view of what a successful relationship is all about. What
also happens is that both people start to blame the other for
not meeting their needs.

For those who are really serious about success in
their relationships, it’s important to understand how
blaming your partner is an enormous problem itself. It
creates a bigger problem and has you convinced that you’re
not part of the problem.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Blaming has never
worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified in your
position, but it will always hurt your relationship.

It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your
feelings can deceive you in your relationship with your partner.
This can be difficult for people raised during the ‘honor your
feelings’ era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things
like, ‘I can’t believe she could do something like that to me,’
or, ‘How could she treat me so badly?’ These feelings are the
result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history
of victimization.

While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you
don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to
it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings
are a reflection of your own esteem issues.

These feelings also have a way of keeping your partner engaged
in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each
other. When you’re both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe
that she needs to be fixed. She’ll think the same of you. Nobody
wins and everybody loses.

This isn’t very smart or effective.

What would happen for people in their important relationships
if they gave up defending themselves and believing their needs
needed to be met? What would happen if they worked at being
kind and caring with their partners?

I’ll tell you what would happen. They’d have great relationships!

After all, the only thing that you can do to improve a
relationship is to improve you.

So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of her flaws.
Stop blaming her. She has issues just like we all do. But if you
see her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a
successful relationship.

And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly
happy.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach who helps men to create balance in their lives and to improve their family relationships. He wrote ‘Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less,’ http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm. Sign up for his free newsletter, ‘Dads Don’t Fix Your Kids,’ at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.